THINGS FALL APART

REFLECTIONS ON LOVE AND DATING

It has been 7 years since my last relationship. Seven years of singlehood! Strange? Yeah, I know.

Several years back, this wouldn't make the headline. It's interesting what we now see as normalcy and as achievement. I genuinely don’t understand why we now have slapping competitions-- does that even make sense? Why should there be a world record holder for the best slapper? Why? Imagine yourself with a slapping championship belt, and being introduced as 'the world’s most resilient, all-time best slapper' even being called for interviews on how to slap. Funny as it sounds, It still doesn’t add up. Several years back it was normal to be single, like it was to be vegetarian and vegan. Today, if you follow a plant-based diet, many think you are missing out, questioning both the why and how. It's as if, in just a few years, the human digestive system changed and those who didn't follow suit, are the weaker species soon to be wiped out. But did you know that some of the strongest land animals are vegan?

Dating is today considered as a societal norm, and being single makes many feel like the odd one out. Seven years of being single? This came with a tag. People assume I need 'help', even my own mother. She one day said to me "Ka otami, to bi mondo amanyni." She offered to find a partner for me, though she meant a wife, not a girlfriend. For our parents, the transition from singlehood was meant to be to a wife or husband. This has changed too.

A single person, one not in a romantic relationship, many times become the topic of conversation. One time I found myself around my dating friends. As they attempted to understand me (you can imagine the questions) and determine if there was someone I liked, they were ready to 'help', I seized the opportunity to challenge them. I asked about their purpose for dating. I had my reasons for remaining single, and I assumed they had their reasons for being in relationships. At the core, their dating didn't seem all that different from what I see in a good friendship. I argued that if we agree that marriage duties should only be fulfilled in marriage, why not just stay friends until you’re ready for marriage? What do you hope to learn about the other person that can't be known or revealed in a genuine friendship? After all, not too long ago, it was normal to be friends with the opposite gender.

You see, cultivating genuine friendships is essential. When there's no pressure to impress, people are often more authentic, and I appreciate that! If so, when the time comes for a committed relationship, we stand a better chance of finding a genuine partner. Friendships shouldn't be overlooked-- if we don’t marry, we can still count on each other as friends. My stance was validated when a well-known Family Life Pastor said during a camp meeting, "You should only date the one God has chosen for you. In such cases, courtship doesn’t require much time. The only thing left is to get acquainted with the family, know their home, and complete a few formalities, which usually takes a short time."It's possible to spend time as good friends, and when convinced one is God's will, move forward in marriage. But, what about love?

There's nothing more beautiful than love. It has been spoken of, written about, sung about, and preached about-- love makes the world go round. Before I was single, I was in love, so I can relate. Among the most beautiful sights in life is the sight of two people in love, a couple. Oh my days! Isn’t it a breathtaking sight? And there is so much beauty in life if you just look. Anyway. Love is beautiful and powerful. My roommates could attest to the times I've been in love. Once, I stayed on the phone, enduring mosquito bites, just so we could watch the moon together. Perhaps the craziest thing I’ve ever done was getting into a fight with a police officer, ending in my arrest on a Saturday evening after church-- all in an attempt to protect my girlfriend. Sometimes, things fall apart, you know. A friend of mine affectionately called his girlfriend "sunshine." When they broke up, I empathized, but I couldn’t resist the urge to joke about the absence of sunlight in his darkest hour.

Pursuing love in our time, often carries an unspoken risk of rejection, and I've had my fair share. Once, I missed a spot on the basketball team A, B, and C, which felt unfair. Fortunately, my friend was the captain of the handball team, and they could use a hand, so I got a chance to participate in the sports event at Maseno School as a handball player. But I loved basketball. I found myself at the basketball arena while I was waiting for the handball games to start. This was the only time to mingle. I had promised my classmates back at school that I’ll be taking back with me ladies’ phone numbers just to prove that I had a ‘good game’. I noticed a beautiful girl from Shimba Hills, also, a basketball player. Mustering up the courage, I approached her -- only to be met with stony silence. She clearly wasn’t interested in anything about me, and I mean that literally. She simply went and picked a stone as if ready to throw it at me if I persisted. It was a humiliating walk of shame back to the handball game that day.

I bet she didn't like my handball attire (I wasn’t a fan of it either): She should have known I was a basketball player just like her. This experience taught me that rejection often isn't about our worth. Ladies, let me offer some advice: if you’re not interested, please don’t resort to picking up stones. We’re not Goliath!

Growing up, I realize that we absorbed romantic ideals from soap operas like Storm Over Paradise on KBC and others, which shaped our views on love. Thankfully, we now have the opportunity to reflect on what truly makes sense in our approach to love and dating. One such soap opera had me blowing on dandelions, wishing to marry a school crush-- a reflection of the lengths people go to in the search for love and companionship.

This reminds me of what my sister once said: “its funny how we can be in a room full of singles all praying for partners, while the answer might be right there in the room.” sometimes we expect God to drop someone from heaven while ignoring the opportunities around us. I've learnt that God won’t do for us that He has placed in our power to do ourselves and since faith does not substitute duty, we need to blend human effort with Devine guidance. I'm just saying. Human effort alone isn’t enough, even though our efforts may be good. We 'prove all things' as the Bible exhorts, selecting carefully according to our preferences, leaving no room for mistake. Once all boxes are checked, as if from a very heavy task, we take the sigh and poetically, like Adam, say, ‘bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh’, only for ‘FLESH OF MY FLESH’ to tear your heart apart. By the way, did you know that God brought Eve to Adam?

For a while, I thought the struggles to heartbreaks could be unique to Kenya, and perhaps limited to my immediate surrounding but once a friend in the Gulf shared her experience, followed by someone from Some country in southern Africa, and I resorted otherwise. I didn't even know that one could be heartbroken while single. But God understands and a reason Jesus came to set the captives free and to 'heal the brokenhearted'. This is a global issue, but unlike other global challenges requiring scientific solutions, this one doesn’t need a doctorate. The simple principle you already know applies: you reap what you sow.

If you want to be safe from relationships falling apart, here are my two cents for you to consider:

Movies, music, and social media have become our food, and we are slowly becoming what we consume. We are sowing the ideas we see in movies and social media, unknowingly setting our relationships up for failure. We’re adopting values that contradict the true principles of love and dating. The content we consume-- movies, music, social media (TikTok, YouTube, etc.)-- shapes our thinking and, ultimately, our actions. These sources don’t teach us about patience, kindness, devotion, family values, or, most importantly, God.

Revelation says 12:12: “Woe to the inhabitants of the earth... for the devil has come down to you, having great wrath, because he knows that he has a short time.

We must guard the avenues to our soul, being mindful of what we feed our minds. The devil sets traps through his agents today. Only the truth, which is absolute, will set us free, and that truth is found in God alone. The Creator of all that exists, including love, can guide us to the true principles. Blessed is the one who trusts in God and delights in His will, not in the principles of Tyler Perry productions. When God says "thou shalt not," He lovingly warns us of the consequences of disobedience to protect us from harm and loss. His law is good, guiding us away from heartbreak and toward fulfilling relationships. When He says to flee from fornication, it’s not to deny us something good, but to lead us to the fullness of joy that comes with obedience. Sin, no matter how small, brings ruin. It’s better to be faithful to God and enjoy your relationships. If we trust Him, we can avoid the chaos of today’s dating culture and rest in His plan.

God is love. If we need to understand Love-- true love-- first things first; we need to know God, not just about Him. This is possible through a continuous communion in prayer and study of the Bible.

Colossians 1:17 says, "He is before all things, and by Him, all things consist."

Without Christ, away from the sustainer, THINGS FALL APART.

Let Him be the foundation of love.

Cheers.